If I ruled the world..

I treated myself to a book called ‘Lists I don’t need to make but I will’ the other day, after about an hour of gazing at stationery and journal porn in Paperchase. I love lists, so this book full of random list titles like ‘My favourite condiments’ and ‘My most awkward moments’ hit all the right buttons, plus seemed like it might provide some interesting writing prompts. I flicked through and hit upon one I’d like to talk about today, which combines two of my favourite things: list writing and being annoyed at things. Hooray!

So, get ready for full snark as I write my list of..

Things I would ban if I were in charge

Saying ‘I’m not being rude, but..’ followed by something incredibly rude

There’s no surer way to signpost people to your rudeness than by proclaiming you ‘don’t want to be rude’. It’s like some people think prefacing any statement with these words somehow magically wipes out the offensiveness. I have two alternatives for people struggling with this: either own your rudeness, e.g. ‘Tim, I find you excruciatingly boring’, or just don’t say the rude thing. Maybe if Tim’s such a dullard you should consider not hanging out with him/moving desks at the office/avoiding him at family events (delete as appropriate). Lots of people think Tim’s a hoot. Maybe he won’t benefit from your ‘advice’.

See also: ‘I’m not racist, but..’, ‘I’m all for equality, but..’, and ‘I’m just being honest’ (after offering an entirely unsolicited opinion).

Things I'd ban if I were in charge
Photo by Steve Johnson on Unsplash

Dry clean only clothing

Aka ‘I will wear this item once a year, immediately after I have finally remembered to get it dry cleaned from the time I wore it last year’.

I am not a domestic person. Doing my laundry is hard enough, and, if you’ve even glanced at me more than once in the last decade, you’ll be more than aware that I don’t iron. I want to be the sort of person that has nice ironed clothes, I really do, but it’s so boring and I’m shit at it. I iron weird lines into everything. Help, I can’t adult.

Don’t make me throw dry cleaning into this mix. It will end it tears.

Things I'd ban if I were in charge- dry clean only clothing
Photo by Waldemar Brandt on Unsplash

Asking an actor when they’re going to be on EastEnders

Is there something in your chosen field that is weirdly both incredibly difficult to achieve and also widely derided? This is that.

Things I'd ban if I were in charge- asking actors when they're going to be in Eastenders

Soggy sandwiches

Why would you put a moist filling next to dry bread and think ‘yeah, this’ll be fine overnight’? Why? WHY?!

It’s worst when it happens at a high street retailer. You are not telling me I’ve just spent £3.50 on a sandwich for it to give me the creeps. Urgh.

Things I'd bad if I were in charge - soggy sandwiches
I like my sandwiches how I like my humour. Dry. Photo by Sara Dubler on Unsplash

Cryptic, attention seeking social media posts

‘Such exciting things in the pipeline…’, ‘What a day…’ followed by requests in the comments for anyone asking for more details to ‘PM me!’. Because you couldn’t possibly divulge anything further on social media even though you’re the one who posted it on social media in the first place. C’mon Karen, you’re better than this.

Things I'd ban if I were in charge- attention seeking social media posts

Not having your train ticket/ oyster card ready when you reach the gates

We’ve been in a queue to reach the gates for a good few minutes. You’ve watched countless other people tap in, and you’ve even tutted about how long it’s taken some of them. And yet, when we reach the front, it turns out you’ve just been playing on your phone this whole time and are neither prepared or sorry about it. Clearly I must have forgotten that your time is much more important than mine.

See also: Not having your liquids ready when you reach the scanners at the airport. I once overhead an argument between the couple behind me in the queue, where she kept saying ‘no I think I will need to get my perfume and deodorant out and put them in one of the bags’ and he kept insisting in an increasingly annoyed tone that they definitely didn’t need to do it because ‘you only have to do that if (insert nonsensical reason why every other person in the queue appears to be doing it but not you)’. Oh my days.

Things I'd ban if I were in charge- not having your oyster card ready
Look how sad everyone looks. Don’t make them sadder.

Signing someone’s leaving card when you’ve only just joined the office

Unsurprisingly, given that I’ve only just worked out how to log into my computer, I don’t know who Greg is. He doesn’t know who I am. He doesn’t care about my ‘best wishes for the future’. I feel weird and sad writing in his card.

You know that episode of Friends where Ross moves to a new apartment and is asked to contribute a large amount of money towards a leaving gift for someone he’s never met? I’m so with him.

Things I'd ban if I were in charge- leaving cards
Thank you, person I’ve never met. Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Clickbait articles

Because I have a sneaking suspicion I probably will believe ‘what happened next’.

Things I'd ban if I were in charge- clickbait
Photo by Greenmeansgo

I could go on, but I’m feeling my teeth start to grind. What would you add to this list?


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