Seasonal

I’m not afraid of anything

I love a stupid Halloween costume. The sillier the better, and not just because it manages to circumvent the dilemma faced by women every Halloween, as so eloquently summarised by Miranda in Sex and the City:

The only two choices for women; witch and sexy kitten.

It’s also just because I think it’s ridiculous and fun. I’m not doing any Halloween dress up this year, so instead I thought I’d share a list of weird shit you can try. You’re welcome. It’s a list of truly terrifying things, I hope you’ll agree.

I’ve also provided some illustrations so that you can marvel at my masterful drawing ability.

A data breach

Get yourself a placard and write a fake spreadsheet of salacious data such as, oh I don’t know, the information for thousands of people using an app to cheat on their partners.

Data breach halloween costume

Someone who tries to initiate conversation on public transport

This costume’s good because you don’t actually have to dress up, you just need to fight every instinct inside you and start conversations with strangers at every possible opportunity. Horrifying stuff.

A misplaced apostrophe

Is there anything more scary than an apostrophe appearing in the wrong place? It really gives me the heebie jeebie’s.ย Do you see what I did there?!ย I’m hilarious.

So there are two ways you can achieve this costume. Either get a cardboard cut out of an apostrophe and put your face in it. Or, if you have bad posture, just stand sideways all night and voila, you are a misplaced apostrophe.

Misplaced apostrophe halloween costumeLeaky tupperware

Affix some really tomatoe-y pasta in a leaky tupperware box onto an all-white tshirt and wait for your guests to stare in horror as sauce slowly starts to drip out over the course of the evening.

A terrible one-person show

Dress all in black because this is an internationally recognised sign that you are a serious artist.ย  Spend the party slowly backing people into a corner and telling them in great detail about your upcoming performance art. They’ll soil themselves with fear.

Mime artist

An awkward pause

Another one of those great ‘doesn’t require a costume’ costumes, this will really get everyone squirming. Simply enter a conversation and say something so baffling/mundane/so-far-past-the-line-that-you-can’t-even-see-the-line-the-line-is-a-dot-to-you that the chat dies instantly. If you need some inspiration just think of virtually everything I’ve ever said.

 

This may be the most nonsensical thing ever posted on the internet. Which given the shit I see on Facebook every day, is really quite something of an achievement.

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